NodeJS for hangover and smack_my_bitch_up

nodejs/hangover.js

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+#!/usr/bin/env node
+
+/* Before running:
+        npm install twilio
+*/
+
+var exec = require('child_process').exec;
+
+var me = 'my_username';
+
+exec("who -q", function(error, stdout, stderr) {
+
+    // Exit if sessions with my username are found
+    if(stdout.indexOf(me) > -1)
+        process.exit(1);
+
+    var TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID = process.env['TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID'];
+    var TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN  = process.env['TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN'];
+
+    // Phone numbers
+    var MY_NUMBER = '+xxx';
+    var BOSS_NUMBER = '+xxx';
+
+    // Excuses
+    var excuses = [
+        'Locked out',
+        'Pipes broke',
+        'Food poisoning',
+        'Not feeling well'
+    ];
+
+    // Generate BS message
+    var excuse = excuses[Math.floor(Math.random() * excuses.length)];
+    var textMessage = 'Gonna work from home. ' + excuse;
+
+    var client = require('twilio')(TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID, TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN);
+
+    // Shoot text
+    client.messages.create({
+        body: textMessage,
+        to: BOSS_NUMBER,
+        from: MY_NUMBER
+    }, function(error, message) {
+        if(error)
+            console.log('Failed to send SMS: ' + error.message);
+        else {
+            var currentdate = new Date();
+
+            console.log('Message sent at: '+ (currentdate.getMonth() + 1) + '/'
+                + currentdate.getDate()  + '/'
+                + currentdate.getFullYear() + ' '
+                + currentdate.getHours() + ':'
+                + currentdate.getMinutes() + ':'
+                + currentdate.getSeconds() + '| Excuse: ' + excuse);
+        }
+    });
+});

nodejs/smack_my_bitch_up.js

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+#!/usr/bin/env node
+
+/* Before running:
+        npm install twilio
+*/
+
+var exec = require('child_process').exec;
+
+var me = 'my_username';
+
+exec("who -q", function(error, stdout, stderr) {
+
+    // Exit if no sessions with my username are found
+    if(stdout.indexOf(me) == -1)
+        process.exit(1);
+
+    var TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID = process.env['TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID'];
+    var TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN  = process.env['TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN'];
+
+    // Phone numbers
+    var MY_NUMBER = '+xxx';
+    var HER_NUMBER = '+xxx';
+
+    // Reasons
+    var reasons = [
+        'Working hard',
+        'Gotta ship this feature',
+        'Someone fucked the system again'
+    ];
+
+    // Generate BS message
+    var reason = reasons[Math.floor(Math.random() * reasons.length)];
+    var textMessage = 'Late at work. ' + reason;
+
+    var client = require('twilio')(TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID, TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN);
+
+    // Shoot text
+    client.messages.create({
+        body: textMessage,
+        to: HER_NUMBER,
+        from: MY_NUMBER
+    }, function(error, message) {
+        if(error)
+            console.log('Failed to send SMS: ' + error.message);
+        else {
+            var currentdate = new Date();
+
+            console.log('Message sent at: '+ (currentdate.getMonth() + 1) + '/'
+                + currentdate.getDate()  + '/'
+                + currentdate.getFullYear() + ' '
+                + currentdate.getHours() + ':'
+                + currentdate.getMinutes() + ':'
+                + currentdate.getSeconds() + '| Excuse: ' + reason);
+        }
+    });
+});