*[DEADPOOL turns slowly to face the camera, breaking the fourth wall]*
DEADPOOL: Oh. Oh. You're on my GitHub profile.
That's... wow. That's either really flattering or really sad. For you, I mean.
I'm doing great. Thanks for asking.
*[He gestures dramatically at the README]*
DEADPOOL: You know what this is? This is a README file. A README. The developer equivalent of "please clap."
But you're here. You're actually reading it.
...I respect the commitment to procrastination.
*[DEADPOOL pulls out a crumpled piece of paper, squints at it, then crumples it more]*
DEADPOOL: Let's check the numbers, shall we?
╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ 📊 GITHUB STATS 📊 ║
╠═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╣
║ ║
║ Total Commits .............. [REDACTED BY WEAPON X] ║
║ Mass Bug Murders ........... Yes ║
║ Stars Collected ............ Not enough ║
║ Contribution Streak ........ "It's complicated" ║
║ Times Mass-Committed ....... Don't ask ║
║ Repos Destroyed ............ Legally I can't say ║
║ ║
║ ⚠️ Stats widget broke. Just like my fourth wall. ║
║ ║
╚═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
*[Taps the broken widget aggressively]*
DEADPOOL: Oh, the stats aren't loading? SHOCKING. GitHub's API looked at my commit history and went into witness protection.
It's fine. I didn't want you to see those numbers anyway.
[whispers] They were too powerful.
🔥 CONTRIBUTION GRAPH 🔥
(artist's interpretation)
░░█░░░░█░░░░░█░░░█░░░░█░░░░░█░░░░
░█░█░░█░█░░░█░█░█░█░░█░█░░░█░█░░░
█░░░███░░░██░░░█░░░███░░░██░░░███
Translation: "chaotic but dedicated"
DEADPOOL: See those green squares? Each one represents a mass grave of bugs I've personally murdered. You're welcome, society.
The pattern spells out "HELP ME" in morse code. Just kidding. It spells "CHIMICHANGA."
*[Movie trailer voice intensifies]*
DEADPOOL: In a world... where code compiles on the first try...
Just kidding. That world doesn't exist.
┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ 🎬 FEATURED FILM #1 │
│ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ │
│ │
│ Title: [COMING SOON] │
│ Genre: Probably chaos │
│ Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (self-reviewed) │
│ Status: The director is "working on it" │
│ │
│ 🍿 Trailer: "Trust me bro" │
│ │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ 🎬 FEATURED FILM #2 │
│ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ │
│ │
│ Title: [ALSO COMING SOON] │
│ Genre: "It's not a bug, it's a feature" │
│ Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐💀 (one skull for artistic integrity) │
│ Status: Exists in a quantum state │
│ │
│ 🍿 Trailer: 404 Not Found │
│ │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
DEADPOOL: Look, the repo cards would be here, but GitHub's widget API saw my code and filed a restraining order.
These placeholder boxes? Chef's kiss. They're like movie posters for films that don't exist yet.
[whispers to camera] Kind of like my will to use proper git messages.
*[DEADPOOL opens a suspiciously bloody toolbox]*
DEADPOOL: People usually put their "tech stack" here. You know, little badges that say "I know Python" like that's a personality.
But I'm built different. Literally. I regenerate.
| Tool | Proficiency | Side Effects |
|---|---|---|
| ☠️ Chaos Engineering | Maximum | Everything's on fire but it's fine |
| 🌯 Chimichangas | Expert | I don't know what this has to do with coding |
| 💀 Vibe Coding | Dangerous | Works until it doesn't |
| 🔄 Regenerative Debugging | Immortal | Code heals itself (it doesn't) |
| 🧱 Fourth Wall SDK | Broken | Currently looking at you |
| 🦴 Wolverine Compatibility | Complicated | He won't return my calls |
DEADPOOL: Is this a real tech stack? No. Will recruiters understand it? Also no. Do I care? [long pause] ...Also no.
*[Dramatic orchestral music that definitely isn't royalty-free]*
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ 🎬 IN POST-PRODUCTION 🎬 ║
╠══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╣
║ ║
║ [ CLASSIFIED PROJECT ] ║
║ Status: Cooking ║
║ Release: When it's ready (never) ║
║ ║
║ [ ANOTHER THING ] ║
║ Status: "It works on my machine" ║
║ Release: After therapy ║
║ ║
╚══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
DEADPOOL: I'd tell you what I'm working on but then I'd have to mass-delete you. And my lawyers said I can't do that anymore after "the incident."
*[End credits roll over a suspiciously emotional Celine Dion song]*
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
D I R E C T E D B Y
@dead-pool-aka-wilson
(that's me. I'm very important.)
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
F I L M C R E W
Cinematographer ............... Raoul
Sub-Director .................. Claude
Scenario Writer ............... OpenAI
Lighting ...................... Kimi
Sound Designer ................ Copilot
VFX Artist .................... Gemini
Intern ........................ Ollama
Catering ...................... Stack Overflow
Emotional Support ............. Chimichangas
Legal Counsel ................. Wikihow articles
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
S P E C I A L T H A N K S
Wolverine (for not killing me yet)
(love you bub, call me back)
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
No X-Men were harmed in the making of this profile.
Several bugs were. They had it coming.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
🎟️ TICKET SALES 🎟️
*[DEADPOOL waves at the camera as it slowly zooms out]*
DEADPOOL: You made it to the end.
Either you really like me, or you're avoiding work even harder than I am.
Either way...
[chef's kiss]
Maximum effort.
*[POST-CREDITS SCENE]*
*[Camera cuts to black. Then a whisper...]*
"Will be daed - someday. Love, Woolverine."
*[Screen fades to the GitHub contribution graph]*